28th January 2014
Last night was the 5th since your body last grazed my skin. I find most comfort in the talking before and after, than the act itself. That and the continuous flow of their residential liquor- you could never stand my drinking, most of my lovers can’t. I retrace your absence in my head, and miss your hands most in those early January hours, ridiculed by your smell on these cotton sheets, I wonder if you think about me, as I often think of you, or even at all. Do you see me in your dreams, as frequent as your face haunts me in mine?
As of late the writings of my journal seem to be one, continuos letter to your memory. The way your hair would sit when you’d lie on my chest, the curve of your smile when you’d laugh at something ridiculous I’d said. Hopelessly filled with all those things you never gave me the chance to say.
I tore out the pages, from those October & November nights. Wrapped in your arms, our hands interlocked, exploring each others bodies. You always liked me like that, did’t you, lover? If only I could rip out my chest as easily, tear down these memories and set fire to this infinite nothingness, this realisation that I should of known better, that I fell far too fast to ever make it out alive.
'I don't know if Im capable of love' you whispered once, but the movements of your body told me otherwise. Predictable, masochistic me- drawn to your brooding eyes, hooked by your innocent, ill fated, honest words.
All that’s left of this 20 something whirlwind… this turbulent, consuming and unforgiving whirlwind, is to retire you to my growing list of regrets. My favourite mistake.
So anxious about everything lately, I just hope this all works out. Why do I never do things in halves, forever all or nothing. The next 2 weeks to hurry up.
"I’ll tell you a secret. Something they don’t teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we’re mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again"
Ultimate get your fuck on record, kickin it oldschool